People with avoidant personality understand intimacy as follows: we stand on each other’ s island and guard each other.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines the characteristics of Avoidant personality as:
1. It is easy to be hurt by others’ criticism or disapproval.
2. There is no good friend or confidant (or only one) except close relatives.
3. Unless they are sure they are popular, they are generally reluctant to get involved in other people’s affairs.
4. Behavior withdrawal, always try to avoid social activities or work that need interpersonal communication.
5. Psychological inferiority, always silent in social occasions, afraid of making people laugh, afraid of answering questions.
6. Sensitive and shy, afraid to show embarrassment in front of others.
7. Always exaggerate potential difficulties, dangers or possible risks when doing ordinary things that are not in your routine.
As long as four of them are satisfied, they can be diagnosed as Avoidant personality. So if you want to date this type of person, you need to do the following.
1、 You have to like yourself first.
You’re not wrong. It’s true. You really need to like yourself first. To put it bluntly, you have to be narcissistic. Because avoidant people totally don’t believe in their choices. They are always worried that they choose you and you are not so good. And what you want to do now is sell yourself to this kind of person. No matter whether you have studied sales or not, you know a rule. First of all, you have to believe that the goods you sell are good. If the other party didn’t intend to buy them, they will buy them in the end. You appear in front of her, no matter how she tests you, you are really like yourself, then her brain has no time to think so much. Because she’s aware in you of the intuition that she relies on to believe and always deceives her.[Read: How do you make yourself a better person?]
2、 Fully understand their hearts
When you decide to go into the heart of the avoidant attachment, what you need to do is forget the love skills and patterns you learned before. Face the person in front of you seriously, instead of putting others on her. You can learn about them by combining the following points.
1. Avoidant attachment can’t understand the meaning of intimacy. No matter what she says or acts, they just can’t get it. She will constantly deny the fact that she is with you. Inexplicably indifferent to you, impatient with anything you say, refusing to communicate, avoiding problems.
2. Although they can’t understand intimacy, they are eager for intimacy. So even if they show an aversion to intimacy, try to approach them gently.
3. They treat you well, not necessarily because they like you, but because they are willing to help others. They need to be recognized by others to get a sense of order in their inner world. So when she wants to help you, don’t refuse.
4. In the face of emotional conflict, their real emotion is Fear. [Read:How can I become socially confident?]No matter what she says, don’t follow her words on the surface, or you will never know what she really wants.
5. Avoidant attachment really can’t comfort people, don’t force people into difficulties. And they don’t comfort because it’s hard to empathize.
3、 Guide her to show her love for you.
You have to be patient and wait for her to trust you. But it doesn’t mean that you should be persistent. On the contrary, you should follow your own plan step by step. You stay with her because you are willing to walk this meaningless life with her. In fact, even if there is no you in the life of avoidant personality, she can live this life well.
The avoidant attachment person knows that you are not so good, but others give her good, she does not want so much.