Why is the lack of freshness a key factor in not being able to maintain a relationship? The theory of Gain and Loss, a basic theory in social psychology, can explain why we are no longer interested in the person we used to be and lose the freshness of each other. “People like to be with people who pay the least, but who can give them the most reward.” To put it bluntly, people prefer more and more rewards to the usual ones, because more and more rewards give us a sense of Gain. And people are more afraid of getting less and less reward than they always have nothing, because it can cause a sense of Loss. In a relationship, the pleasure you experience comes from gain, and fear comes from loss.
For example: if the people around me give me a very reliable and gentle feeling. He has always supported me and accepted me. He praised me and cared about me from the beginning. I feel very good. But if he keeps going for five years, will I still feel good about myself because of his words? I can’t! Because what he has done will no longer give me a sense of gain in my heart. The profit I can get from him has reached the maximum.
Furthermore, human beings are social animals, and they prefer to be appreciated step by step.
For example, to let a person who doesn’t like us like ourselves can make us have a great sense of gain, and it is very attractive. That is to say, the stranger, from no feeling for you to appreciating, liking and recognizing you, is a kind of gradually increasing love for you.
After talking about why you lose a sense of freshness in a relationship, here are some remedies that you can try to put into your next relationship. [Read: Several stages that couples must go through.]
Dare to conflict and cause harm.
It may sound anti human, but there are many psychological experiments that show that hurt and conflict can promote the love between the two sexes. Of course, this sense of hurt and conflict is tricky to use.
For example, if you’re in a relationship and you’re afraid to lose him, you don’t dare to fight with him. You’re afraid of rejection, and you don’t want him to have any emotion or hurt. Then he will soon lose his freshness with you – no joy in you. This may seem like a good state, but it’s a bit like altitude sickness, and your relationship will fall apart if there is any disturbance. But if you show the possibility of leaving him, he will panic and start to inject more attention and love into you and try to pull you back to your original intimacy. Once he lost, he got a sense of gain again. This time, he not only had a sense of gain, but also a sense of achievement.
Why? Because it is his own efforts to pull you back. And in the long run, his Sunk Costs in this relationship have increased.[Read: Nine laws of love psychology that must be known in love.]
When you see this, you may say, who won’t fight? In fact, 90% of people don’t know how to fight. Too many couples are too emotional and spreading in the process of quarreling. Partners quarrel and poke at each other like enemies and avoid questions. In the end, both sides were hurt and parted ways. So you have to learn to use conflict correctly and add freshness.
So you have to learn to use conflict correctly to add freshness. In the process of conflict, the two sides should pay attention to the following points:
1. Sincerely share your feelings (including negative feelings) and overcome your vulnerability.
2. Speak frankly and don’t cover up, otherwise it will cause misunderstanding.
3. Without blame and prejudice.
4. When the other party reveals himself, he or she will not criticize, sarcasm or ridicule, and both sides will have no vigilance.
5. Maintain sensitivity, tap your own real needs, and mine the other party’s real needs.
6. Get to the point and discuss the matter. No backlog of conflicts, no hidden conflicts.
7. Express emotions but not opinions or comments.
8. Focus on facts rather than guesswork.
9. Situational attribution rather than qualitative attribution. (don’t attribute the conflict to the personality of the other party, that is, on-line).
10. Avoid generalization and extension. No “always”.
This is a way to increase the freshness of each other. Generally speaking, it is to find a unique way of communication between you in the process of conflict, so as to enhance the relationship between each other, and finally harvest a long-term love.[Read: How can I get over a break up?]